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well, what can i say…

November 20, 2008

although i still choke up on watching movies like “synecdoche, new york” or “army of shadows” or “the third man” but i stay cynical overall… i am positive the future will be better with obama taking over the office but also feel devastated and confused over what’s happening in congo or sudan or backyards behind closed doors everywhere and have my doubts about so-called human nature…
i have been told many many times that i was “intense”, “oversensitive”, “think too much” and so on and you know what, my responses are always “fuck you…” i am not going to apologize for what i am… i don’t even know what those adjectives mean… it’s all relative anyway… so who the hell are you to tell me what i am and/or how i am… i don’t tell you to change the way you are… i accept the way you are and if i don’t like you, i stay away… so please do the same… however i used to express that in rather blunt ways that pissed some people off but since i got older, i mellowed out and figured out how to do it without getting all wound up… which is healthier of course… but then here i am, announcing it to the entire world… ha ha ha…
so after my concerts in italy last weekend, when these couple of men bought my records but then started commenting on my “looks” i was totally crept out about the whole thing… because it was obvious it was not my playing that they were into but the way i looked when i played… well maybe they liked the way i played enough but that’s not the main reason why they approached and took pictures with me (one guy even snuck a kiss while taking pictures… eww…) that really does hell of good for my self esteem as a musician… but i didn’t say anything to them (first of all they barely spoke english but just enough to tell me how good i looked…) and sold my records and didn’t make a scene… still i was bothered inside… i feel the same when i get this dumb friend requests from guys who “collect” either female musicians or asian musicians… makes me want to vomit… i might be to quick to judge but i cannot help that’s how i makes me feel… and again, that’s not something i will apologize for…
so sick of labeled by what i look like or where i came from… as long as we continue to do that, we’ll never get over all these racism and sexism…

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One Comment
  1. Sometimes I think this will never change…that people will always think in these aesthetic and superficial terms, always seeing gender and appearance before talents. We live in such a superficial time, and I think things like myspace don’t help, because people become fetishized and commodified as objects to ‘collect’. It’s such a hideous condition our society has, to place appearance in front of all other things and I agree, if we keep thinking this way, we will never move beyond these inherent prejudices.

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